Growth that Drifts

I have observed how easily a couple can drift. Actually it is not a drift per se, but the kind of growth that occurs in the due course of life that drifts the couple. It is very easy to become strangers with your spouse or just project cordinators, having the family as the project. So that the engagement between you and your spouse is that of arranging and managing activities. And as much as we have roles and activities in our marriages, we must be careful that we don't reduce the meaning of our union to that.


Many couples start life at the same level, spiritually, financially, socially and in most times economically. And at times, being on the same level makes it easy for the couple to engage together in all spheres of life. But as life progress, I have observed that some couples do not grow together. It is very important for the couple to grow together.


Husbands have a tendency of growing and leaving their wives behind. So bad such that it becomes hard to engage with your wife intellectually and socially. I have seen husbands who cannot bring their wives to the company party because they feel she will be a let down. Or a pastor who cannot have his wife share even a verse, because he is afraid the wife can't match up the expectations. I have also seen wives who settle down and refuse to grow. The start putting less focus on how they look, they feel it's a waste of time learning a new skill or developing a talent and thus they depreciate.


Couples are supposed to be friends for life. They should therefore learn to cultivate their friendship with their spouses, upgrading one another so that at anytime they can be able to walk together and engage with one another in all spheres of life. Let it be said of you that you are one, in mind, in love and in life.


Let us all grow together.

Drifting Away

I can’t explain exactly how I got there. I was an alcoholic. I had started inventing stories of how I got there trying to justify myself. But I knew in my heart that I didn’t know for sure how I got there and worse still I didn’t know when I was getting there. It was not like I had set it as part of my destination but I happened to find myself there. That is how I remember something I learnt in my management course about a boiled frog.

The parable dictates that the frog is put over the fire as it swims in cold water and the woman in the story warms the water slowly. As the water gets warmer the frog relaxes until it’s boiled. I had laughed at the frog when I first heard this parable. I now laugh at myself too.

I have met people who are masters at leading astray the focused. I actually have been blamed to derail people. The thing is, the focused always fall in the trap. You hear a girl tell you something like she respects and honors men who give their lovers attention. And at that point she is referring to you. Then you will find this type of a girl wanting to get much of your time negating the value she so much values of having men attend to their lovers. 

At first you will like this girl because you feel she understands and she has morals. But if you are not careful you will find yourself spending more time with her and before long your lover will be a stranger. You will never hear this girl tell you that she can’t meet you up in the evening to give you time with your girl. No. She never does that. But the moment you have spend all your time with her she will be there to tell you how you should say hi to your wife denoting a spirit of care and concern.

I learnt this from my dad. At some point in his life he drifted away from his family. I could see it. But all the time they quarreled with my mum about the other woman, my dad would always tell me that he doesn’t understand my mum because the other woman really cares about us.

The secret is, those who want you really bad and they know they cannot get through to your heart because you love someone else will seek first to win your trust. How do the create trust? They start by showing true care and concern to the person who you love. If you are a married man, they will say to you things like, ‘I can never sleep with a married men’ or they to you suggest ways that will make you a better husband. The trick is they will never allow that to come true. This is because they will seek to consume your every free time leaving nothing for your lover. And hopefully they will be the one in your heart.

Note that this happens even with your friends whom you don't cheat on your lover with per se but you engage in emotional infidelity.

I however can trace my path to alcoholism. While in college I had problems getting to sleep. I could watch TCM movies on my 4 inch black and white screen till 5am in the morning. Sometime I would try reading or listening to music to induce myself to sleep. It never worked like I wanted. I envied my pal Carol who could sleep by eight o’clock.

Wise counsel (Lies) told me that one pint of beer could solve my problems. And they were right. I slept. I was the happiest man in the forest. Those days I used to live alone in some forest near the biggest slum in Kenya. I needed company maybe to induce me to sleep. I had gotten one. None of my closest friends could bring such comfort. Just that innocent remedy became a monster. Months later I had found myself out in the cold after a night out among other things.

  

Drifting takes place stealthily. It also occurs in an environment of comfort when you have a false sense of security that everything is getting on well. It occurs so fast that we hardly realize. And sometimes we even feel like it was just meant to be. We stop trying to be fight. 

But life is all about being a soldier. Being vigilant, being alert and keeping the lane. And when we detour, we must remember to get back to the track. That is what matters. I am glad am keeping on my path.

Would You Marry Yourself?

The other day we had a heated debate on dating and aging. There was this friend of ours who have a friend almost fifty who is desperate to find a man. Apparently, every time she tells her prospects of her age, they flee without saying goodbye. What advice would you give this woman?

I have no words for her.

But I got thinking about the challenges our young people are facing as they try to get a life partner and I thought I should write about it. I am not an expert in this; I only dated one girl for twenty two months before she became my wife, who we have lived together for about 370 days. 

Here are my thoughts for those searching for a life partner. 

1.     Would you marry yourself? That is the starting point. You have to ask yourself if you can tolerate yourself. Do an honest assessment of things in you that you can’t stand. Work on those things as if you are going to marry yourself. Looking for a life partner is like getting a product on the market. Work on the content, the value preposition and the packaging. No one wants to take a bad product home.

2.    Cast your net wide. Focus determines what you miss. Don’t specialize too early. Scan through and keep an open mind. Expose yourself to as many social avenues as possible. I have heard of couples who met in a funeral, others in a bus stop while others met through a friend. There is no one way to meet you best half. You just need to keep an open mind and an open heart. But it is wrong to think every time you meet someone new, it could be them.

3.    Hunt and be hunted. Dating is sort of an art, you need skills. Men are the hunters while the lady is the prey. As a man you have to up your game to hunt. You should be courageous enough to face the lions in the jungle. You should know what you are looking for and go for it. Don’t be afraid of a challenge and don’t give up too easily. Be careful not to hunt that which will kill you. As a lady, be ready to be hunted. We know you are empowered and you can do better than some men, but be a lady. Yet don’t give in too easily. Prove your man’s worth. Let him fight for you. Let him pursue you. You too should know what you want, but don’t kill the hunter.

4.    Focus on making friends. Every strong marriage thrives on the foundation of friendship between the two lovers. I have met married people who don’t know what to do with their partners. The live together like strangers. When you meet new people, focus on being friends first before you rush into anything else. They say it’s good to marry your best friend.

5.    Involve God. No one knows what you need than God. Honestly, very few people know what they need; they just know what they want. What you need and what you want are two totally different things. Focus on character, internal uprightness and godliness. You also don’t know what a broke dude could be in ten years. Pray and partner with God to answer your prayers. And a wise man once said, God is so humorous, He is fond of packing precious jewels in the wrong packages. 

6.    Who do you walk with? One mistake most young people make is sharing the story immaturely and to the wrong people. Be accountable to a trusted leader or a true friend and walk together until everything is clear. Don’t be in the business of discussing people. If a guy is interested in you, as a lady, don’t go seeking opinions from your desperate single ladies, take one or two who you can trust and partner in prayer for God’s guidance. Prayer partnering is key and stop acting cupid.

7.    Be honest. You need wisdom on how you unfold yourself to one another. We all have dirty laundry in our closets, but you don’t go exposing the whole self on the first date. Let the dating process be developmental, where you focus on building trust, walking in honesty and strengthening your friendship bond. Kindly don’t agree to marry or get married to your partner if you know in your heart there is something you have not shared that would make them change their mind if they knew it. Be honest and trust God to fight for you if indeed that person is meant for you. But don’t deceive someone into marrying what you are not.

8.    Put your best foot forward. Be creative and make it fun to connect with the person you chose to. It’s advised you do things together like missions, voluntary work, mutual hobbies or serving in the community. Learn when to compromise and when to put your foot down to make it work. Remember to honor God with your bodies. If you hear someone asking how far is too far, ask them where they are going.

9.    Everything is beautiful in it’s time. People ask when is the right time to date or marry. There is no right time, there is just time for everything. We just need to discern our seasons and flow in them. I strongly believe that everything is beautiful in its time. Stop trying to catch up or compete with others. Live your own life.

Recommended reading Ayiro A & N Ayiro, 2009, reprint, The singles and the married.