Would You Marry Yourself?

The other day we had a heated debate on dating and aging. There was this friend of ours who have a friend almost fifty who is desperate to find a man. Apparently, every time she tells her prospects of her age, they flee without saying goodbye. What advice would you give this woman?

I have no words for her.

But I got thinking about the challenges our young people are facing as they try to get a life partner and I thought I should write about it. I am not an expert in this; I only dated one girl for twenty two months before she became my wife, who we have lived together for about 370 days. 

Here are my thoughts for those searching for a life partner. 

1.     Would you marry yourself? That is the starting point. You have to ask yourself if you can tolerate yourself. Do an honest assessment of things in you that you can’t stand. Work on those things as if you are going to marry yourself. Looking for a life partner is like getting a product on the market. Work on the content, the value preposition and the packaging. No one wants to take a bad product home.

2.    Cast your net wide. Focus determines what you miss. Don’t specialize too early. Scan through and keep an open mind. Expose yourself to as many social avenues as possible. I have heard of couples who met in a funeral, others in a bus stop while others met through a friend. There is no one way to meet you best half. You just need to keep an open mind and an open heart. But it is wrong to think every time you meet someone new, it could be them.

3.    Hunt and be hunted. Dating is sort of an art, you need skills. Men are the hunters while the lady is the prey. As a man you have to up your game to hunt. You should be courageous enough to face the lions in the jungle. You should know what you are looking for and go for it. Don’t be afraid of a challenge and don’t give up too easily. Be careful not to hunt that which will kill you. As a lady, be ready to be hunted. We know you are empowered and you can do better than some men, but be a lady. Yet don’t give in too easily. Prove your man’s worth. Let him fight for you. Let him pursue you. You too should know what you want, but don’t kill the hunter.

4.    Focus on making friends. Every strong marriage thrives on the foundation of friendship between the two lovers. I have met married people who don’t know what to do with their partners. The live together like strangers. When you meet new people, focus on being friends first before you rush into anything else. They say it’s good to marry your best friend.

5.    Involve God. No one knows what you need than God. Honestly, very few people know what they need; they just know what they want. What you need and what you want are two totally different things. Focus on character, internal uprightness and godliness. You also don’t know what a broke dude could be in ten years. Pray and partner with God to answer your prayers. And a wise man once said, God is so humorous, He is fond of packing precious jewels in the wrong packages. 

6.    Who do you walk with? One mistake most young people make is sharing the story immaturely and to the wrong people. Be accountable to a trusted leader or a true friend and walk together until everything is clear. Don’t be in the business of discussing people. If a guy is interested in you, as a lady, don’t go seeking opinions from your desperate single ladies, take one or two who you can trust and partner in prayer for God’s guidance. Prayer partnering is key and stop acting cupid.

7.    Be honest. You need wisdom on how you unfold yourself to one another. We all have dirty laundry in our closets, but you don’t go exposing the whole self on the first date. Let the dating process be developmental, where you focus on building trust, walking in honesty and strengthening your friendship bond. Kindly don’t agree to marry or get married to your partner if you know in your heart there is something you have not shared that would make them change their mind if they knew it. Be honest and trust God to fight for you if indeed that person is meant for you. But don’t deceive someone into marrying what you are not.

8.    Put your best foot forward. Be creative and make it fun to connect with the person you chose to. It’s advised you do things together like missions, voluntary work, mutual hobbies or serving in the community. Learn when to compromise and when to put your foot down to make it work. Remember to honor God with your bodies. If you hear someone asking how far is too far, ask them where they are going.

9.    Everything is beautiful in it’s time. People ask when is the right time to date or marry. There is no right time, there is just time for everything. We just need to discern our seasons and flow in them. I strongly believe that everything is beautiful in its time. Stop trying to catch up or compete with others. Live your own life.

Recommended reading Ayiro A & N Ayiro, 2009, reprint, The singles and the married.